I heart Shia

I'm almost 29 and I don't care. I have a crush on a young man named Shia. My buddy Derek can attest that I first noticed this hunk o' love when he was still illegal. He starred as Stanley Yelnats in the movie Holes - which I've seen *way* into the double digits. I don't know craph about the craft of acting but his impressed me. Loveable Jewish Dork? Maybe that's what it is. I've always liked beefy, bald, arrogant fellows but Shia has turned me soft.

At work I have his booking photo on my desktop - frequently I talk to him when things get tough on the job...he can always make me laugh.

Perhaps he reminds me of the group of cool dorky guys I hung out with in high school. I never had crushes on any of them but they will always have a special place in my heart. Perhaps Shia instigates the nostalgia of them all? Perhaps it took me ten years to start loving dorks and leave the Stone Cold Austin type behind. Is this growing up?

In any case - I heart Shia. Even though I had second-hand embarrassment when you swung with the monkeys - I'll still stand by you....you'll always be my luv chunk. xoxoxoxo

Word to my Mother

In the spirt of...the day after Mother's day, I thought I'd write about my top Mother stories. There are many of them - she is classic. Telling stories about my Mother has always served as not only an ice breaker but always served great caution when I was younger. "Whatever you do, don't whisper in front of my Mom because this one time..." One time I neglected to warn my friend Tera of that who, before she whispered in front of my Mother, thought she was really friendly and nice. After my Mom almost ran us into that telephone pole Tera knew my stories were indeed non-fiction.

For Mother's day this year all my Mom wanted to do was watch home videos of our family over the years. First of all - I can't believe how high and squeaky my voice was and secondly I can't believe that I tried for so many years to brush the curl out of my hair...but I digress. Here are some of my favorite, good-hearted stories. I'll save the bad stories for myself and anyone else who needs to be warned:

Toilet Paper

Growing up my brother and his friends liked to toilet paper each other's houses. I loved and hated this. I hated it because surely the next morning my Mom would march outside with her garbage bags, collect all the strewn toilet paper from the trees, bushes, roof, monkey bars, ground, etc. Then she'd march inside our house, put the full bags of toilet paper in our bathroom and declare that she is *not* buying anymore toilet paper until we use up this collected toilet paper. I still have the perfect image of small bugs crawling around the bag of used toilet paper. I for one would steal napkins from the kitchen - it was a personal assault to my body if not used carefully but it was better than risking assault from any unidentifable bug that was in that garbage bag. And yes, my Mother stuck to her word.

Locked Car

My Mother had gotten a newer car that had automatic locks. First of all, my Mother refused to lock any doors growing up - including our house door. So she has no idea what buttons for these automatic locks look like. Well, one day she accidently hits the "lock" button while she was driving and didn't realize it. She arrives home with her groceries but can't open her door. She looks over and does not see a traditional lock you can just pull up. She starts to panic. No one is at home but she sees a neighbor's light on. So my Mother drives in front of the neighbors house and starts honking. When no one came out she went to the next neighbor's house and still had no response. She starts to panic more - she's crying and breaking out into a sweat. She drives back home and has no choice but to wait. It is now dark and the ice cream is melting. She estimated later that she waited about 20-30 minutes crying in her car before REALLY taking a good look at the functions on her door. One push and: FREEDOM. She hops out of the car just before I arrive home. I see my Mother sweaty and with a bewildered look on her face. She still doesn't look doors.

Walk in the Woods

My Mother is a pervert. She is very open. She also enjoys moonlit walks in the woods. When I was 14 I went camping with my parents. After dark my Mother convinces my Father to take a moonlit walk in the woods while I stay in the camper and read my book. When they return they are flushed and my Dad has a nasty cut on his forearm. They explain that he took a nasty fall in the woods. I shrug this off....fast forward one week and the cut on my Dad's arm has gotten infected so bad that he has to wear an arm sling. We were at my Father's business picnic. My Mother is chatting up everyone, my brother and I are playing frisbee - it was a relaxing day. But my brother overhears one of my Mother's conversations and runs over to me in a panic. My Mother is telling everyone how her husband "REALLY" got that nasty cut on his forearm: sex in the woods. That was the last summer I went camping with them. Gross.

666

In high school I had a pager. Whenever I got a page from 666 I knew it was from my Mother. Why in the world would my Mother represent herself as Satan? Because for some reason she figured the phone knew that she was paging me with "M", "O", "M". When I told her the pager can't read minds and it shows up as 666, she shrugs. Until pagers went out of style the Devil paged me at least 2 times a day - triple that when I was out with my boyfriend.

Boyfriend

So with my first love I always missed curfew. One time when he brought me back home and was kissing me goodbye I see my Mother march out of our house...she is marching towards his car screaming "Krista Rose you're in big trouble!" Before I could lock the passenger door she flings it open. She grabs me by the arm and screams at my boyfriend to go back home. As soon as we get inside the house she's fine. The switch was flipped. Weird. She also liked to call my boyfriend's parents' houes and leave long messages on their machine about how disrespectful it was that I wasn't home yet. They eventually just turned the sound off on their answering maching... Another time I had her car while visiting my boyfriend at college. In a panic she calls my best friend who lives in the same dorm "Where is Krista Rose!?" My best friend suggests she call my boyfriend's room, it is 3am, he *should* answer right? This did not satisfy my Mother. She proceeded to yell at my friend for about 45 minutes about how disrespectful it was that I wasn't home yet. When I do eventually get home my Mother is friendly and cordial. Just last month my best friend reminds my Mother of this - and it still makes sense to her. She had to yell at someone is her reasoning. I'll take that.

There are so many more stories: I convinced her my hickey was a dare to put a vacuum cleaner to my neck; my homecoming date was an albino from Zimbawbwe; during my "sex" talk at 10 she gave me and my friends sex tips and tried to have my brother explain wet dreams to me; etc...

As she's gotten older she's gotten more mellow, but seriously, you still shouldn't whisper in front of her. Just don't....don't.

Welcome to the world Baby Schmuck!

On April 18th, 2008 at 2:58am the world was given another Schmuck.

His name is Brennan Alexander Schmuck! That's B.A. Schmuck to all you jokesters.

The Good Lord answered my prayers and Momica had him delivered via C-Section. I just can't imagine a baby coming out of someone as little as Monica - it's just not right. God agreed with me. Thank you God.

I let the Schmucks rest the first day...or I let them be bombarded by their huge families that were so excited to meet Brennan! I was so happy when Papa Schmuck called me this morning and invited me to see the newest Schmuck. Here's a pic of Daddy and Son.

When I showed up the beautiful Rambo family were already there. I still remember visiting Baby Rambo when he was born! Can I just say that Baby Rambo...or Toddler Rambo now, is the happiest kid ever? He's always laughing and cooing. I asked Tera who he takes after more - she stated he has her stubbornness (and dang, that's a lot) and Luke's happiness. Here's a pic of the happy Rambo boys:

I asked Scott what it feels like to be a brand new Father and he stated that it feels like.."ummm...being on a rollercoaster and in a batting cage at the same time." What? "Can you repeat that?" I asked while I was writing it down. He explained that it was wonderful, exciting and scary all at once. And also that he's completely sleep deprived and to please not quote him on the rollercoaster/batting cage statement. Too late.

Years earlier I had given Mr. Schmuck a shirt that said "Schmuck" on it. On their wedding day he gave Monica a pink shirt that said "Schmuck" on it. So the tradition had to be continued. My gift to Baby Schmuck was his own personalized shirts. I tried to take a picture of the new Mom with them but it was pre-shower for her. Aren't these cute onesies though?

It took only a little encouragement for me to be convinced to hold Baby Schmuck. It was awesome because Scott went to go help Monica take a shower so little Brennan and I had some bonding time. Sure, he had food coma and was just sleeping in my arms but I got to give him eskimo kisses and promised to tell him all the crazy things his Mom did in College.

The Schmucks and I consider me to be their first true daughter since I lived with them for a year. It makes me feel like I've gained a little brother. I feel so overwhelmed and happy for Brennan. He really is the luckiest kid ever. The Schmucks are such amazing people. They are both so tender, kind, giving, generous, great cooks, loving, smart, fun, supportive...and my list goes on. I really have never met two people - two great people - who were so selfless. They truly want the best for everyone. When I decided to grow up and leave their nest I remember crying because I just loved them so much! That and I was going to miss all the contagious laughter - seriously, just try not to laugh when you're with them. But they were so gentle and understanding, when I came back that night I received the sweetest letter from them that I still read every now and then. Brennan is going to be filled with so much love and joy - I can't wait to watch him grow and get to know him!

Today he was full of yawns and rosy cheeks - I just couldn't stop taking pictures! Welcome to the world Baby Schmuck. You will be loved, cherished and cared for by not only your wonderful folks but also by your big extended family. Just remember to do your parents a favor and be sure to take long showers at night. I'll explain why when you're a little older.

I love you Schmucks!!!

Countdown to Baby Schmuck

The Schmucks are having a baby! I caught them in a loving scene recently and asked them to recreate it, Momica was nice enough to let her favorite bird in the pic as well.

I've known the Schmucks for a few years now, way before the Schmuck union. I even had the pleasure of being roomies with the Schmucks before they were the Schmucks. They treated me like their own and I came to love my friend Monica even more as Momica.

Momica encouraged me that I can cook (even though I really can't) and left me in awe of her constant cleaning. She was always loving, encouraging and gave me my space - doing this made me come to her even more for things only a Momica could do.

Shout out to me below in their new kitchen - the previous kitchen had a lot of memories of my triscuit pizzas and the Schmucks' amazing flank steak...

Momica will now have a child of her own very soon - in just a few days! While she's been pregnant her wonderful husband (and really, everyone *should* know Mr. Schmuck - he's stinking awesome), this husband re-did their whole kitchen!

The day it was unveiled to me Momica also advised that even though she isn't due for another couple weeks her Baby Schmuck is tipping the scale at 9-10 pounds! Holy hopping snot. I'm so scared for her. But isn't she glowing and beautiful in her new kitchen?

In anticipation of this ginormous Baby Schmuck, I'm planning the Vaj Memorial and will give Mr. Schmuck the honors of reading the eulogy. I know the explosion she will no doubt experience will be worth the Baby Schmuck. May he have Mr. Schmuck's contagious laughter, gentle nature and the amazing ability to put everyone at ease. The Schmuck's were meant to be parents - they've done a great job with me.

I can't wait to meet the Baby Schmuck! Everyone should love a Schmuck - the world wouldn't spin as well without them.

Dead or Alive

The Deadliest Catch has returned! My God I love this show. I watched a special tonight that was the Best Of Season 3 and felt instant nostalgia for the smelly men that I love over TV. Except for you Shia Lebeouf - you'll always be number one on my list. Here are my man awards for the Deadliest Catch:

*Best Dad: Phil Harris. "Who told you to talk!?"

*Biggest Cheesedick: Blake Painter. He's like that drunk guy in college that all the girls wanted for for the first 6 months, contracted an STD and is now arrogant and disgusting all at the same time. Oh, and just doesn't get it.

*Hottie of the Bering Sea: Andy Hillstrand *purr*

*Bering Sea MVP: Sig Hansen. This fella is flawless....

*Bering Sea Clown: Edgar Hansen. Very funny and has a hot wife - good for you Edgar.

Check it out Peeps - it's on Discovery Channel!

An Ode to my beloved Honda

Rest in peace Vivi. You've always been good to me. I remember our first road trip together right after I bought you. We drove down to see Big D in California. Our first night I slept in your trunk w/the backseats down which you made suprisingly comfortable. I felt so safe with you. I had planned on us being together for a long time.

On Friday, March 14th our time together came to an end. You took a bullet for me not once but twice. I didn't realize that stretch of Military Road would be our last time together. I wish we could go back to California one last time and wind thru the Redwoods before parking on the beach to watch the sunset.

I saw the foolio coming from behind at a high rate of speed (most likely texting and driving!) I was in disbelief - why isn't he stopping? Why isn't he swerving? Then you and I were launched into oncoming traffic.

I think death, headfirst, by an old gangster car like an Impala suited you. You went out in style with a quick spin before coming to your final rest. I knew right away that you were gone. You had given your life for me so I could walk away. I had nothing broken, cut or fractured. You took it like a champ.

Big D and my Father arrived immediately to gather all the memories that were not damaged from the wreck. They stayed with me at the hospital and Big D even stayed the night after that to make sure I was OK. I'm glad they were able to say Goodbye too, and I'm glad they were there to help me with my premature goodbye to you as well.

My non-vehicular friends and family have been amazing I want you to know. They have given me so much help and support since you were taken away. They have made sure that I won't feel as alone or as lost now that you're gone. They have encouraged me to look to the future and have even offered monetary help. How did I get so blessed?

Big D is amazing - her and her family are letting me drive one of their vehicles in the interim. I want you to know that no one will ever compare to you. You grew up with me and were a big part of my 20's. Because of you I now know what I want in a car - I want another Honda just like you - is that even possible? You will always have a piece of my heart and when I go back to Cali it won't be the same without you there. Thank you for always keeping me warm and safe. I'm so happy to say that my beloved Honda Vivi had a glorious death so I didn't have to.

I love you Vivi!!

Third time wasn't so charming

I trained long and hard. I got up early every Saturday morning since Christmas and ran with Coach Shu ll (my brother). He pushed me and it showed. My legs got harder, hills got easier and long distance became more comfortable. I got used to the ice baths after these long runs and would ease the pain with mimosas(my favorite part of training).
All my brother wanted for Christmas was for me to run my third half-marathon with him. He warned me it was a hard course but it was his favorite. It wasn't ALWAYS easy training. I did have to call him a few weeks ago and apologize for telling him to "eff off" about 15 times during a hard run. It didn't phase him. But I just visualized giving him his Christmas present after saying "Eff You" - it just wasn't right man.
I did my last long run one week before the race and was so stinking suprised when I took off my shoe and saw a blood blister! First time people. I had no idea what to do with it. I think this must be what new parents feel like. I felt like if I touched it I was going to pop it.
I doubled up on the moleskin over the next week and pushed thru. I made meals that consisted of carbs, protein and fresh veggies/fruit. I drowned myself in water - hence I worked part time in the 3rd bathroom stall of the 955 Building. I got a sports massage and found out my achilles was super stiff (which explains a lot!), I schedule a SECOND massage for the day after the race, I was adament about reading my running bible and following it to a T. I was focused.
Three of four days before the race I started to feel sick - throat and ears. Dangit. I doubled up on the coldbusters. I cut back on training. I did the carboload the night before at Hotel Woodinville, watched an inspiring sports movie ("Who do you play for!?" "The legs feed the wolves", etc) and felt ready. I knew I could really push it at the race because training was over.
We left Hotel Woodinville late the next morning. Anyone that knows me and/or my family shouldn't be suprised. So when we hit traffic, 1/2 from our exit and 10 minutes before the start of the race, Coach Shu ll and I had no choice. We hopped out of the stopped vehicle and ran hard past all the cars. Then we had to run harder, up a long hill, to finally get to the start line with two minutes to spare. Great start!
I was feeling OK the first 6 or 7 miles. Coach Shu ll had to tap my shoulder perodically to remind me to slow down. I just was ready to get in the zone and flow of running. We'd slap EVERY kids' hand as we ran by them (thanks spectators for the cheers!) I'd keep Coach Shu ll up to date on my motivating music (Sabotage, Beastie Boys). Once mile 8 hit though something changed. All of a sudden I felt dizzy and nauseous. I was just maintaining moving my legs. Later Coach Shu ll conveyed to me that my face looked pale and sick therefore he didn't fight me when I asked to walk. How did I get thru the last 5 miles? I had no choice. But I was so stinking dizzy that I thought my head was going to pop off. I'd muster up energy to push myself up another hill only to fight off another bought of nausea.
We finally approached the end of the course. So tell me WHY we had to climb one last hill to get to the finish line? I need a comment card for these organizers! I really wanted to do a Zack Morris time out so I could just walk up the hill without humilitating myself in front of all the spectators and event coordinators. Here's my brother and I cresting at the hill:
To my delight I see my parents, sister-in-law (Coach Shu ll's wife) and my two favorite people Diane and Alan. I instantly felt better. I still felt nauseous but was ready for my post-race meal! Nothing sounded good but I ate. It was during Diane's strike out story that all of a sudden I felt drastically worse. Diane later told me that my face looked literally gray - not a good sign. Once I was able to make it back to Hotel Woodinville I got REALLY sick. Bad stomach sick. Remember that kind of stomach sick you would get under the age of 10? It was like that!
I think I emptied out my whole stomach and then some.
But guess what bitches? I still got a PR! Not the one that I wanted but it was still a PR.
As I sit heart typing this, and listening to my stomach growl (pepto is slacking) I'm feeling OK about it all. My blood blister did pop if you were wondering...I didn't take a post-pop picture but can send one upon request.
During the 10th mile I was having thoughts like "Why did I think I would run more races after this?? 4 half-marathons in four months? NO WAY. I don't even like running, this isn't natural..."
But now I need to redeem myself! Starting next week, after my week of rest, my eye is on the goal of redemption. The healthy half-marathon is next. Fourth time will be fantastic if not charming.
Thanks for all that you do Coach Shu ll and pushing me through. I couldn't of done it without you! Literally!