Momisms for Mother's Day

My Mother is a very interesting person. She has interesting views and standpoints. I agree with about 5% of them. One Mother's Day I wrote about my favorite "Mom stories". This Mother's day I'd like to share some of our differences that used to make us scream at each other but now can be a source of humor (at least for me).

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Secrets: Holy Moly whatever you do, do NOT tell a secret in front of my Mother. She sees this as extremely rude behavior and I was always told growing up "there are no secrets in family!" As an adult I have experienced to the contrary some secrets kept can make for very happy family members. And I think if my Mother tried me to disprove that theory she would be VERY unhappy. Which could make for a good blog.

In any case it can take some folks who are new to my Mother some time to believe me when I say "My Mother can be sweet as peaches but trust me, she can turn on you." My poor friend Tera experienced this when we were 14. It was still early in our friendship and I had shared many stories of my Mother to Tera. Tera was of course skeptical of my complaints until one fateful day. My Mother was driving us somewhere and Tera innocently leans over in the backseat to tell me a secret. Before I can stop this forbidden action in front of my Mother I see my Mom's eyes catch the scene in the rearview mirror. Then it all became a blur - slamming brakes, car veering sharply off the road and the angry hand of my Mother searching me out screaming "No telling secrets in my car!" So there you have it: Don't tell secrets.

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Organ Donation: This is still a hot topic between my Mother and myself. For a while in my single-digit youth my Mom went to nursing school and took it very seriously when time allowed. One of the things that stayed with her was the "danger of being an organ donor." To her this means that if you are near death and the hospital has the option of saving you or your organs they will choose the latter. And because my Mother wants to live forever she chooses NOT to be an organ donor. She ALSO does not believe that doctors are correct when a patient is found to be brain dead. She believes in miracles and has vowed to me that if I am ever "brain dead" that she will keep my body alive until I wake up. It is my hope that I find that one doctor that chooses saving my organs over saving me. Sorry Ma but why be selfish with good health?

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Dinosaurs: They don't exist. That's it. "Mom, what about dinosaur skeletons that are on display?" This is my most basic, elementary question that begs for explanation and understanding. Her response "Well Krista Rose, they are putting the bones together wrong." You see, dinosaurs weren't in the bible. But giants were in the bible. I can't even finish writing this explanation - hopefully you'll know where I'm going with this one. Bless her heart.

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Body Pillows: So I love to sleep with body pillows and even more pillows. I think I'm just like every girl out there. Back in my 20s my Mom used to come over to help me clean my apartment (don't judge) and on the cleaning list she'd make my bed. Now I was very specific about my placement of pillows making sure that I had fluffy coziness on each side of me. When My Mother saw this she was appalled and called me a pervert. At that point she theorized that I wanted the feeling of having two people making a Krista sandwich in bed. Yes, my own Mother accused me of this and then giggled. Were sandwiches in the bible too?

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Ghosts only haunt virgins: Ya know, I don't know where this comes from. But apparantly if there's a poltergeist in your house it's because your daughter is pure and full of angst.

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No locked doors: My Mother refuses to accept that this area is increasing in criminal activity and chooses to believe that she does not need to be so cautious. In the past I liked to lock her doors but realized this only punished my Father when she called him in a panic when she couldn't figure out how to unlock her car (addressed in a previous blog) or gain acccess to her own home. Currently I am tempted to perform my own intervention which involves me dressing in a black face mask and carrying a large maglite. We'll see.

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Seatbelts: Apparantly they cause more deaths than they save. Really not sure where the intel came on this one but obviously the information I've gathered from my profession is not enough of her to be convinced of the alternative. She is an avid supporter AGAINST the "Click it or Ticket" campaign. One of the many times I told my Mother "For the love of God if you're going to protest this will you please use a different last name so people don't know were related?" According to my Mother if you hit a solid object at a very fast speed you better hope your seatbelt is not anywhere involved otherwise it will decapitate & kill you - in that order. I try to tell her that if she doesn't use her seatbelt a Doctor may be tempted to steal her organs when she shows up on their operating table...

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They make it at restaurants: This is what I heard in the kitchen growing up whenever my Mother made something questionable which was every night except for Friday (popcorn night) and Sunday (pizza night). Everytime one of us complained about something like the lemon peel sticking out of the stroganoff she'd retort "It's a common recipe - they make it at restaurants all the time." To date my Mother has not been able to divulge the name/location of this restaurant. But then again, my desire to find it is not that strong.

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Don't use trucks to stop yourself: So she only said this once to my best friend Big D when we were 16 but it still makes me laugh. When Big D happened to be on a speeding moped at Ocean Shores and had to stop suddenly to avoid a collision - she ended up sacrificing herself and smashed into the back of a truck. Thankfully a seatbelt wasn't involved so she lived. Anyway, the moped was broken and Big D was hurt and my Mother runs up to her scolding "You shouldn't be using other people's trucks to stop yourself!" Big D was flabbergasted.

Like I said: Sweet as peaches but will turn on a dime.

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I suppose I should make a note that my Mother is not dumb, an airhead, heartless or mean...for the most part. These Momisms have helped sharpen my humor, developed my patience and have always provided for cheap entertainment. So thanks Mom for being you. Even though you're wrong 95% of the time.