In the spirt of...the day after Mother's day, I thought I'd write about my top Mother stories. There are many of them - she is classic. Telling stories about my Mother has always served as not only an ice breaker but always served great caution when I was younger. "Whatever you do, don't whisper in front of my Mom because this one time..." One time I neglected to warn my friend Tera of that who, before she whispered in front of my Mother, thought she was really friendly and nice. After my Mom almost ran us into that telephone pole Tera knew my stories were indeed non-fiction.
For Mother's day this year all my Mom wanted to do was watch home videos of our family over the years. First of all - I can't believe how high and squeaky my voice was and secondly I can't believe that I tried for so many years to brush the curl out of my hair...but I digress. Here are some of my favorite, good-hearted stories. I'll save the bad stories for myself and anyone else who needs to be warned:
Toilet Paper
Growing up my brother and his friends liked to toilet paper each other's houses. I loved and hated this. I hated it because surely the next morning my Mom would march outside with her garbage bags, collect all the strewn toilet paper from the trees, bushes, roof, monkey bars, ground, etc. Then she'd march inside our house, put the full bags of toilet paper in our bathroom and declare that she is *not* buying anymore toilet paper until we use up this collected toilet paper. I still have the perfect image of small bugs crawling around the bag of used toilet paper. I for one would steal napkins from the kitchen - it was a personal assault to my body if not used carefully but it was better than risking assault from any unidentifable bug that was in that garbage bag. And yes, my Mother stuck to her word.
Locked Car
My Mother had gotten a newer car that had automatic locks. First of all, my Mother refused to lock any doors growing up - including our house door. So she has no idea what buttons for these automatic locks look like. Well, one day she accidently hits the "lock" button while she was driving and didn't realize it. She arrives home with her groceries but can't open her door. She looks over and does not see a traditional lock you can just pull up. She starts to panic. No one is at home but she sees a neighbor's light on. So my Mother drives in front of the neighbors house and starts honking. When no one came out she went to the next neighbor's house and still had no response. She starts to panic more - she's crying and breaking out into a sweat. She drives back home and has no choice but to wait. It is now dark and the ice cream is melting. She estimated later that she waited about 20-30 minutes crying in her car before REALLY taking a good look at the functions on her door. One push and: FREEDOM. She hops out of the car just before I arrive home. I see my Mother sweaty and with a bewildered look on her face. She still doesn't look doors.
Walk in the Woods
My Mother is a pervert. She is very open. She also enjoys moonlit walks in the woods. When I was 14 I went camping with my parents. After dark my Mother convinces my Father to take a moonlit walk in the woods while I stay in the camper and read my book. When they return they are flushed and my Dad has a nasty cut on his forearm. They explain that he took a nasty fall in the woods. I shrug this off....fast forward one week and the cut on my Dad's arm has gotten infected so bad that he has to wear an arm sling. We were at my Father's business picnic. My Mother is chatting up everyone, my brother and I are playing frisbee - it was a relaxing day. But my brother overhears one of my Mother's conversations and runs over to me in a panic. My Mother is telling everyone how her husband "REALLY" got that nasty cut on his forearm: sex in the woods. That was the last summer I went camping with them. Gross.
666
In high school I had a pager. Whenever I got a page from 666 I knew it was from my Mother. Why in the world would my Mother represent herself as Satan? Because for some reason she figured the phone knew that she was paging me with "M", "O", "M". When I told her the pager can't read minds and it shows up as 666, she shrugs. Until pagers went out of style the Devil paged me at least 2 times a day - triple that when I was out with my boyfriend.
Boyfriend
So with my first love I always missed curfew. One time when he brought me back home and was kissing me goodbye I see my Mother march out of our house...she is marching towards his car screaming "Krista Rose you're in big trouble!" Before I could lock the passenger door she flings it open. She grabs me by the arm and screams at my boyfriend to go back home. As soon as we get inside the house she's fine. The switch was flipped. Weird. She also liked to call my boyfriend's parents' houes and leave long messages on their machine about how disrespectful it was that I wasn't home yet. They eventually just turned the sound off on their answering maching... Another time I had her car while visiting my boyfriend at college. In a panic she calls my best friend who lives in the same dorm "Where is Krista Rose!?" My best friend suggests she call my boyfriend's room, it is 3am, he *should* answer right? This did not satisfy my Mother. She proceeded to yell at my friend for about 45 minutes about how disrespectful it was that I wasn't home yet. When I do eventually get home my Mother is friendly and cordial. Just last month my best friend reminds my Mother of this - and it still makes sense to her. She had to yell at someone is her reasoning. I'll take that.
There are so many more stories: I convinced her my hickey was a dare to put a vacuum cleaner to my neck; my homecoming date was an albino from Zimbawbwe; during my "sex" talk at 10 she gave me and my friends sex tips and tried to have my brother explain wet dreams to me; etc...
As she's gotten older she's gotten more mellow, but seriously, you still shouldn't whisper in front of her. Just don't....don't.
