The Happy Coastie

"I don't want to live in the City anymore." That's what I always say when I visit my good friends Mike & Alicia in Prosser, WA. Prosser is about a 3 hour drive to good living. Just look at their house! The first time I saw it, it was evening and the stars were bright. All the lights in the house were on and it took my breath away. Oh - and it's pretty good in the day too. They have 2 chocolate labs (one more useful than the other) and a new black lab puppy named Diesel...in a year his name will most likely need to be changed to Tank.

2.5 days in Prosser always feel like a week vacation when I get back to the coast. There are no worries...except for the suicidal birds. But that's it! What else is there to worry about? Just sun burns...which I actually consider good luck. The first time I visited I got 2nd degree burns, went to a job interview the next day and got the job. Thanks Prosser. You see, only good things happen there.

Last weekend Mike & Alicia invited me over once again (seen here - Mike is actually really excited to hang out with me). The first time I met Mike I was informed for the first time that I'm part of a group called the "Effing Coasties" - oh, and I edited that term. Mike entertained me thru out the weekend with why effing coasties were effing coasties. They especially are stupid effing coasties when it comes to fishing. One of my favorite stories is when he convinced stupid effing coasties that he caught a lot of fish in a fishless lake. So of course the stupid coasties went to that vacant lake. So imagine what a great honor it was when they invited me, a effing coastie, to go fishing!

So I'm a stupid effing coastie and my fishing experience is catch and release in various matters. I remember fishing for trout as a youngster with my Dad along the river. Big D and I made Alan row the boat when we went fishing last summer. We caught a fish that crap bait on Alan's hand. When I was in college I threw back a fish, overhand, into a tree and couldn't shake it out. Poor fish baked there in the sun. And just a few weeks ago I caught a little bass in a city lake (seen here). But over in Prosser Mike & Alicia don't mess around. They have a boat! And not a row boat - it has a motor and plenty of spaces to sit without rocking it. This was all very new for me.

We went out to the Columbia river and I was instantly overwhelmed by the new experience. All these boats, in a line, there's an anchor involved, all these fishing poles, colorful bait - I mean, a *lot* of bait. And bait isn't even the right word! I forgot what they're called. And they'd wrap sardines around it and cast it in. There were four poles in the water held by these useful contraptions at the end of the boat. So I looked around and took it all in just warming up with all my dumb questions.

All of a sudden there was a bite! That's when I found out when fishing with Mike & Alicia each person gets a turn to reel in a fish and it was mine to start. The stupid effing coastie in me took over and I had no idea how to hold this pole. "Stick it on your hip and just do what Mike says." Alicia tells me. So I stick it on my side, not my hip. And cranked hard. It was a blur - I remember cussing, asking what to do, feeling my arm burn, then the boat moving (later I found out we were "chasing" the salmon) and when I looked up I noticed the folks on the other boats watching me. Can they tell I'm a stupid effing coastie I wondered?

Anyway - I discovered one of my new favorite things in the world. It's when you're reeling in the fish and you can kind of see it hop off the water for the first time. Those salmon are big!! It was finally close to the boat and I'm mindlessly reeling still when I couldn't reel anymore (later Mike calmly explains to me that could break the pole). The salmon was twisting and turning and just when the net was close it got away. I was instantly sad and my pride hurt but everyone was so nice and reassuring that some fish get away, and some don't.

Salmon are freaking huge over there on the East Side. Unless Salmon are usually this big? I'm not quite sure. I'm a stupid coastie like I said.

Alicia had the next turn and she was flawless. She was in the zone and calmly struggled successfully in reeling in a 19 pound salmon. It was beautiful. I never had so much pride to be her friend like I did at that moment. I remember a year earlier when I was driving on the busy I-405 with all the other Coastie's and talking on the phone with Alicia. She talked about this HUGE fish - a bottom feeder I remembered - that she caught over the weekend. All I remember is it took a long time and thinking "holy crap, that's burly!" After she caught her salmon we talked about that big fish. She told me that it was an 8-foot sturgeon that took 3 people 1.5 hours to reel in. ....holy....crap. So THIS is fishing! Now I get it.

It was such a wonderful day of drinking beer, hearing stories and finally getting my own fish. It was my first salmon and Mike convinced me it would be OK to hold it with my bare fingers. And I'm so glad that he did. Sure, I had the smallest fish in the cooler but I was the happiest coastie on the Columbia that day. I'm so thankful for the lessons that were taught to me. One that I'm not convinced of though: "Hey Red! What's your name?" That's when the fella on the boat next to me told me not to be so concerned with my beer when a fish bites the line. I don't quite agree. This coastie is going to make sure the beer is in a safe place before she reels anything in. I'm still perplexed that isn't understood on the East side.

So this whole week I've been daydreaming about fishing again, Alicia's amazing cooking, getting to know Diesel better, talking with Alicia (one of the most laid-back, coolest chicks I know. I wish they had "Alicias" on the Coast), Mike showing off his boat skills and the slow & simple life in Prosser. And really...truly...I don't want to live in the city anymore.

Let the hiking begin!

Yay! It's hiking season. I understand that the snow is bound and determined to stick around but I don't care - I'm stoked. Even if I have to stay on lower elevation trails for a while I am still stoked. Last summer I made a vow to hike every stinking weekend and I did with the exception of the weekends that I ran in a race. Whoo-hoo! It was good... Not sure if I can afford the gas to do the same this summer but we'll see.

Big D will be hiking Kilimanjaro pretty darn soon so I've joined her on some training hikes. We did the typical Mt. Si which wasn't as hard as we remembered. So for a change of pace today we did Mailbox Peak. I kind of consider that hike to be the "Underground Trail" because it's not that well known but it's a good butt kicker. It gains 4000 feet elevation in 2.5 miles. It's not maintained and has tons of roots that can trip you up on the way up and down. Ok -it's like this: Ever drive along steep hillsides of lush forests and wonder "what's it look like at the top?" That's Mailbox Peak. It's like someone was curious and just forged straight up whether it made sense or not. It's June 1st and we eventually found ourselves in a snowfield with our shorts on. I took a quick picture to send to Alan the Ogre before my fingers froze up.

Anyway - to commence hiking season I have taken the liberty to post some hiking rules:

1. Don't hike in jeans. This stresses me out. Do you sleep in jeans? Do you ski in jeans? Then why are you hiking in them? It just looks wicked uncomfortable and hiking in cotton is never a good idea. Especially tight jeans. Big D and I saw some *tight* jeans on the Mt. Si trail and instantly felt second-hand discomfort.

2. Don't hold hands on the trail. Seriously. If you'd like to hold hands than take a stroll around Greenlake. I consider myself a patient person (now) but being stuck behind two hand-holders makes me want to growl. Is it that necessary? Will you get lost? Will your love suffer? No...just think of the distance as a reason to be joyfully reunited at the top. I promise I'll give you your privacy.

3. Cologne/Perfume. It just doesn't make sense to me. Especially later in the season. I remember when I was younger my Mother wore a watermelon-scented Jazzercise t-shirt and the bees were SWARMING. She screamed "Don!" (my dad) the whole time. We would look at the other hikers "Who's Don??" Anyway - it was a good lesson to watch. Plus, it's hard to be huffy and puffy and take in a strong whiff of that smell. Usually I appreciate it but not in the woods. Just doesn't fit the surroundings.

4. Ipods/MP3 Players. What is the point of hiking if you extinguish one of your senses? Being in the woods can be such a therapeutic venture but when you bring that element I fear it cheapens the experience. Sure you can still smell and see but you're robbing yourself of the full experience. I equate it to watching a movie without a soundtrack. You forget what a powerful element that can play in the whole production.... However I *do* find exception in training hikes like Mt. Si. There I realize people use that hike to get in the zone of their fitness with a long-term goal in mind. Ipods can be great for that - heck, if I had to run without music I'd suck worse than I already do. And that's pretty bad.

Happy Hiking to you all! Remember to always tell a buddy where you're going and bring a headlamp. Always. I've learned this the hard way...

I heart Shia

I'm almost 29 and I don't care. I have a crush on a young man named Shia. My buddy Derek can attest that I first noticed this hunk o' love when he was still illegal. He starred as Stanley Yelnats in the movie Holes - which I've seen *way* into the double digits. I don't know craph about the craft of acting but his impressed me. Loveable Jewish Dork? Maybe that's what it is. I've always liked beefy, bald, arrogant fellows but Shia has turned me soft.

At work I have his booking photo on my desktop - frequently I talk to him when things get tough on the job...he can always make me laugh.

Perhaps he reminds me of the group of cool dorky guys I hung out with in high school. I never had crushes on any of them but they will always have a special place in my heart. Perhaps Shia instigates the nostalgia of them all? Perhaps it took me ten years to start loving dorks and leave the Stone Cold Austin type behind. Is this growing up?

In any case - I heart Shia. Even though I had second-hand embarrassment when you swung with the monkeys - I'll still stand by you....you'll always be my luv chunk. xoxoxoxo

Word to my Mother

In the spirt of...the day after Mother's day, I thought I'd write about my top Mother stories. There are many of them - she is classic. Telling stories about my Mother has always served as not only an ice breaker but always served great caution when I was younger. "Whatever you do, don't whisper in front of my Mom because this one time..." One time I neglected to warn my friend Tera of that who, before she whispered in front of my Mother, thought she was really friendly and nice. After my Mom almost ran us into that telephone pole Tera knew my stories were indeed non-fiction.

For Mother's day this year all my Mom wanted to do was watch home videos of our family over the years. First of all - I can't believe how high and squeaky my voice was and secondly I can't believe that I tried for so many years to brush the curl out of my hair...but I digress. Here are some of my favorite, good-hearted stories. I'll save the bad stories for myself and anyone else who needs to be warned:

Toilet Paper

Growing up my brother and his friends liked to toilet paper each other's houses. I loved and hated this. I hated it because surely the next morning my Mom would march outside with her garbage bags, collect all the strewn toilet paper from the trees, bushes, roof, monkey bars, ground, etc. Then she'd march inside our house, put the full bags of toilet paper in our bathroom and declare that she is *not* buying anymore toilet paper until we use up this collected toilet paper. I still have the perfect image of small bugs crawling around the bag of used toilet paper. I for one would steal napkins from the kitchen - it was a personal assault to my body if not used carefully but it was better than risking assault from any unidentifable bug that was in that garbage bag. And yes, my Mother stuck to her word.

Locked Car

My Mother had gotten a newer car that had automatic locks. First of all, my Mother refused to lock any doors growing up - including our house door. So she has no idea what buttons for these automatic locks look like. Well, one day she accidently hits the "lock" button while she was driving and didn't realize it. She arrives home with her groceries but can't open her door. She looks over and does not see a traditional lock you can just pull up. She starts to panic. No one is at home but she sees a neighbor's light on. So my Mother drives in front of the neighbors house and starts honking. When no one came out she went to the next neighbor's house and still had no response. She starts to panic more - she's crying and breaking out into a sweat. She drives back home and has no choice but to wait. It is now dark and the ice cream is melting. She estimated later that she waited about 20-30 minutes crying in her car before REALLY taking a good look at the functions on her door. One push and: FREEDOM. She hops out of the car just before I arrive home. I see my Mother sweaty and with a bewildered look on her face. She still doesn't look doors.

Walk in the Woods

My Mother is a pervert. She is very open. She also enjoys moonlit walks in the woods. When I was 14 I went camping with my parents. After dark my Mother convinces my Father to take a moonlit walk in the woods while I stay in the camper and read my book. When they return they are flushed and my Dad has a nasty cut on his forearm. They explain that he took a nasty fall in the woods. I shrug this off....fast forward one week and the cut on my Dad's arm has gotten infected so bad that he has to wear an arm sling. We were at my Father's business picnic. My Mother is chatting up everyone, my brother and I are playing frisbee - it was a relaxing day. But my brother overhears one of my Mother's conversations and runs over to me in a panic. My Mother is telling everyone how her husband "REALLY" got that nasty cut on his forearm: sex in the woods. That was the last summer I went camping with them. Gross.

666

In high school I had a pager. Whenever I got a page from 666 I knew it was from my Mother. Why in the world would my Mother represent herself as Satan? Because for some reason she figured the phone knew that she was paging me with "M", "O", "M". When I told her the pager can't read minds and it shows up as 666, she shrugs. Until pagers went out of style the Devil paged me at least 2 times a day - triple that when I was out with my boyfriend.

Boyfriend

So with my first love I always missed curfew. One time when he brought me back home and was kissing me goodbye I see my Mother march out of our house...she is marching towards his car screaming "Krista Rose you're in big trouble!" Before I could lock the passenger door she flings it open. She grabs me by the arm and screams at my boyfriend to go back home. As soon as we get inside the house she's fine. The switch was flipped. Weird. She also liked to call my boyfriend's parents' houes and leave long messages on their machine about how disrespectful it was that I wasn't home yet. They eventually just turned the sound off on their answering maching... Another time I had her car while visiting my boyfriend at college. In a panic she calls my best friend who lives in the same dorm "Where is Krista Rose!?" My best friend suggests she call my boyfriend's room, it is 3am, he *should* answer right? This did not satisfy my Mother. She proceeded to yell at my friend for about 45 minutes about how disrespectful it was that I wasn't home yet. When I do eventually get home my Mother is friendly and cordial. Just last month my best friend reminds my Mother of this - and it still makes sense to her. She had to yell at someone is her reasoning. I'll take that.

There are so many more stories: I convinced her my hickey was a dare to put a vacuum cleaner to my neck; my homecoming date was an albino from Zimbawbwe; during my "sex" talk at 10 she gave me and my friends sex tips and tried to have my brother explain wet dreams to me; etc...

As she's gotten older she's gotten more mellow, but seriously, you still shouldn't whisper in front of her. Just don't....don't.

Welcome to the world Baby Schmuck!

On April 18th, 2008 at 2:58am the world was given another Schmuck.

His name is Brennan Alexander Schmuck! That's B.A. Schmuck to all you jokesters.

The Good Lord answered my prayers and Momica had him delivered via C-Section. I just can't imagine a baby coming out of someone as little as Monica - it's just not right. God agreed with me. Thank you God.

I let the Schmucks rest the first day...or I let them be bombarded by their huge families that were so excited to meet Brennan! I was so happy when Papa Schmuck called me this morning and invited me to see the newest Schmuck. Here's a pic of Daddy and Son.

When I showed up the beautiful Rambo family were already there. I still remember visiting Baby Rambo when he was born! Can I just say that Baby Rambo...or Toddler Rambo now, is the happiest kid ever? He's always laughing and cooing. I asked Tera who he takes after more - she stated he has her stubbornness (and dang, that's a lot) and Luke's happiness. Here's a pic of the happy Rambo boys:

I asked Scott what it feels like to be a brand new Father and he stated that it feels like.."ummm...being on a rollercoaster and in a batting cage at the same time." What? "Can you repeat that?" I asked while I was writing it down. He explained that it was wonderful, exciting and scary all at once. And also that he's completely sleep deprived and to please not quote him on the rollercoaster/batting cage statement. Too late.

Years earlier I had given Mr. Schmuck a shirt that said "Schmuck" on it. On their wedding day he gave Monica a pink shirt that said "Schmuck" on it. So the tradition had to be continued. My gift to Baby Schmuck was his own personalized shirts. I tried to take a picture of the new Mom with them but it was pre-shower for her. Aren't these cute onesies though?

It took only a little encouragement for me to be convinced to hold Baby Schmuck. It was awesome because Scott went to go help Monica take a shower so little Brennan and I had some bonding time. Sure, he had food coma and was just sleeping in my arms but I got to give him eskimo kisses and promised to tell him all the crazy things his Mom did in College.

The Schmucks and I consider me to be their first true daughter since I lived with them for a year. It makes me feel like I've gained a little brother. I feel so overwhelmed and happy for Brennan. He really is the luckiest kid ever. The Schmucks are such amazing people. They are both so tender, kind, giving, generous, great cooks, loving, smart, fun, supportive...and my list goes on. I really have never met two people - two great people - who were so selfless. They truly want the best for everyone. When I decided to grow up and leave their nest I remember crying because I just loved them so much! That and I was going to miss all the contagious laughter - seriously, just try not to laugh when you're with them. But they were so gentle and understanding, when I came back that night I received the sweetest letter from them that I still read every now and then. Brennan is going to be filled with so much love and joy - I can't wait to watch him grow and get to know him!

Today he was full of yawns and rosy cheeks - I just couldn't stop taking pictures! Welcome to the world Baby Schmuck. You will be loved, cherished and cared for by not only your wonderful folks but also by your big extended family. Just remember to do your parents a favor and be sure to take long showers at night. I'll explain why when you're a little older.

I love you Schmucks!!!

Countdown to Baby Schmuck

The Schmucks are having a baby! I caught them in a loving scene recently and asked them to recreate it, Momica was nice enough to let her favorite bird in the pic as well.

I've known the Schmucks for a few years now, way before the Schmuck union. I even had the pleasure of being roomies with the Schmucks before they were the Schmucks. They treated me like their own and I came to love my friend Monica even more as Momica.

Momica encouraged me that I can cook (even though I really can't) and left me in awe of her constant cleaning. She was always loving, encouraging and gave me my space - doing this made me come to her even more for things only a Momica could do.

Shout out to me below in their new kitchen - the previous kitchen had a lot of memories of my triscuit pizzas and the Schmucks' amazing flank steak...

Momica will now have a child of her own very soon - in just a few days! While she's been pregnant her wonderful husband (and really, everyone *should* know Mr. Schmuck - he's stinking awesome), this husband re-did their whole kitchen!

The day it was unveiled to me Momica also advised that even though she isn't due for another couple weeks her Baby Schmuck is tipping the scale at 9-10 pounds! Holy hopping snot. I'm so scared for her. But isn't she glowing and beautiful in her new kitchen?

In anticipation of this ginormous Baby Schmuck, I'm planning the Vaj Memorial and will give Mr. Schmuck the honors of reading the eulogy. I know the explosion she will no doubt experience will be worth the Baby Schmuck. May he have Mr. Schmuck's contagious laughter, gentle nature and the amazing ability to put everyone at ease. The Schmuck's were meant to be parents - they've done a great job with me.

I can't wait to meet the Baby Schmuck! Everyone should love a Schmuck - the world wouldn't spin as well without them.

Dead or Alive

The Deadliest Catch has returned! My God I love this show. I watched a special tonight that was the Best Of Season 3 and felt instant nostalgia for the smelly men that I love over TV. Except for you Shia Lebeouf - you'll always be number one on my list. Here are my man awards for the Deadliest Catch:

*Best Dad: Phil Harris. "Who told you to talk!?"

*Biggest Cheesedick: Blake Painter. He's like that drunk guy in college that all the girls wanted for for the first 6 months, contracted an STD and is now arrogant and disgusting all at the same time. Oh, and just doesn't get it.

*Hottie of the Bering Sea: Andy Hillstrand *purr*

*Bering Sea MVP: Sig Hansen. This fella is flawless....

*Bering Sea Clown: Edgar Hansen. Very funny and has a hot wife - good for you Edgar.

Check it out Peeps - it's on Discovery Channel!